When Doing Your Best Still Isn't Enough: The Toll of Judgement on Parents
Imagine dedicating yourself to doing the best you can—making sure someone you love is cared for, protected, and has everything they need. And then, one day, you find out that someone has decided your best isn’t enough. That you’ve failed. That you should be ashamed. Even though they don’t know the full story.
Well, that happened to me this week and I'm still of two minds whether it's worth sharing or not. I normally don't share anything too personal as I don't want to be seen as a victim. I think in this situation I will make an exception because my story highlights something much bigger and that needs to be talked about.
The reason that I am sharing this is twofold: to highlight that you never know what someone else is coping with, and that judgement is not helpful, so needs to be used very carefully.
I had an elderly cat called Bear—who was about 15 or 16 years old—and, despite my best efforts, loved to wander.
I ensured he had fresh food and water at home, which he always had access to, and was feeding him the highest quality pure foods I could.
Every day after work, I went to retrieve him from whichever neighbor’s garden he had wandered to and took him home for food, a brush and some fussing.
RIP Bear - Thank you for your grace and love over the years
The problem was, he didn't like to stay home so he would wander off again after he had has his fill of food, fussing and brushing! I introduced myself and my cat to neighbors, letting them know he had a home and they could always reach me if needed.
Then, one evening, a neighbor who knew Bear told me that someone who didn’t know my cat had reported him to a local rescue.
The rescue lady had taken him in. When I went to get him back, I wasn’t met with understanding or curiosity—I was met in a chaotic environment, with dogs barking hysterically in the background where I wasn't even able to even hear myself think. I was met with extreme judgement. I was called negligent. I was told I should be ashamed of myself. No one asked about his history, his habits, or his medical history. I was simply deemed unworthy in their eyes.
As I sit here writing this, looking back at that moment, I realized something. This wasn’t just about my cat. It was about the way we, as parents—especially parents of neurodiverse children—are judged every single day.
The Unseen Battles Parents Fight
When you’re raising a neurodiverse child, the world often sees only fragments of your story.
They see the meltdown in the grocery store, but they don’t see the sensory overload that caused it.
They see the unconventional parenting choices, but they don’t see the careful research, trial-and-error, and sleepless nights that led to those decisions.
They see what they think is neglect, but they don’t see the love, advocacy, and sacrifice happening behind the scenes.
Like my cat’s 'rescuers', many people think they know best without taking the time to understand.
They may have the best intentions but they don't know the full story. And just like I experienced, parents of neurodiverse children are constantly put in the position of defending themselves, explaining their choices, and trying to prove they are good parents to those who will never truly see the whole picture.
And it’s exhausting.
The Fight Mentality: How It Builds and How It Wears Us Down
By the time I stood there arguing for my cat, I was already running on empty. I had been unwell with a migraine, met with judgement and vitriol as soon as I asked for my cat back and work had been stressful. I even snapped at my boss that same day because my patience was threadbare (those that know me, know that this never happens!) And then came this confrontation—one more thing, one more battle, one more moment of being misunderstood and judged.
Parents of neurodiverse children live in this cycle every day.
We are constantly advocating, explaining, pushing back against ignorance and misinformation. We fight for our children at school, at doctor’s offices, in public spaces. We fight with insurance companies, with family members who don’t understand, with teachers who mean well but don’t always get it, and with the people who just won't listen because they've already decided what they think.
And every time we have to fight, it takes a little more from us.
Choosing Peace Over Proving Ourselves
As soon as I got Bear back, I tried to take him to the vet, only to find out that our local vet had a two week waiting list. So I shopped around and found another vet locally who could see him sooner.
I found out that the reason he was losing weight and panting was because he had an advanced heart condition, and his time was limited.
Within the next day or so, his condition worsened, and I had to make the heartbreaking decision to put him to sleep. The people who judged me didn’t know that I had already been watching him closely for the last couple of months, trying to get him to put on weight again, monitoring his health, and preparing to make the best decision for him—even when it hurt me to do so.
They didn’t know, but that didn’t stop them from judging.
And that’s the thing—people will judge no matter what. We can spend all our energy trying to prove our love and dedication, or we can redirect that energy toward what truly matters: trusting ourselves.
The toll of judgement is a hidden toll and you never know what that price is going to be.
The cost could be our self esteem, our will to keep going or our graciousness in trying circumstances...
What if we, as parents, focused less on defending ourselves to people who don’t understand and more on being present for the ones who do?
What if we let go of the fight mentality and embraced the deep knowing that we are doing enough—even when others don’t see it? By letting go of the fight mentality, you can transform the feeling of helplessness, and unworthiness to something that builds your resilience and makes yourself stronger for you and your child.
An important reminder for you!
If no one has told you lately: You are doing enough. You don’t need to fight to prove your love. Your child already knows.
The next time judgment comes your way, ask yourself: Do I need to prove myself to this person, or do I already know my truth? Because the most powerful thing we can do—whether as parents or as people—is to choose peace over proving ourselves.
And if you feel like judging someone, stop and ask yourself...do I know the full story, or am I in a position to help or hurt with this judgement? Please treat others with kindness, as you never know what someone else has got going on in their life.
Your Turn: A Reflection
Have you ever felt like you had to defend yourself to people who didn’t understand? What would happen if you let go of proving yourself and trusted that you were already enough?
Drop a comment below—I’d love to hear your thoughts.
