Facing Your Fear of Abandonment: Real Talk for Mums
The Fear of Abandonment Isn’t About Being Left — It’s About Failing to Care for Yourself
I’ve never been afraid of being forgotten or not chosen.
My fear of abandonment has always been quieter than that — more constant, more embodied.
I grew up in a divorced home. My dad moved away when I was a teenager, and long before that, I learned how to be a grown-up.
By eleven years old, I wasn’t not only emotionally responsible — I was physically responsible too.
I prepared meals for my brother and myself, and we were home alone several nights a week.
I was deeply loved.
And I learned early how to look after others — and myself.
There was no moment when I actually felt abandoned.
Instead, I learned that life worked best when I was capable, organised, and reliable.
When a child assumes adult-level responsibilities early — even in a loving home — the body adapts.
It learns to manage, anticipate, and cope.
Not out of fear.
Out of necessity.
That adaptation doesn’t disappear just because we grow up.
A Fear That Sits Underneath Daily Life
The fear of abandonment doesn’t feel dramatic.
It sits quietly under everything.
It shows up as:
Being the one who holds things together
Feeling responsible for everyone’s wellbeing
Finding it hard to rest without guilt
A sense that your needs can wait
It’s not panic.
It’s a pattern.
And it’s there even when life is going well.
When life becomes harder, the fear grows louder — because that’s when you’re most likely to put your needs, values, and desires last again.
What the Body Learns From Early Responsibility
Growing up early often keeps the nervous system in a state of readiness and response — the sympathetic state designed for action and problem-solving. Most likely, you're more familiar with the other description of this state...it's known as Fight or Flight Mode.
Unfortunately, early and prolonged exposure to the fight-or-flight mode can lead to your nervous system becoming stuck in this state.
Over time, this can look like:
Ongoing exhaustion
Difficulty switching off
Digestive discomfort or shallow breathing
Feeling tense even during calm moments
This isn’t something you’re doing wrong.
It’s a system that learned how to function to protect you.
I call this the Fight Mentality Trap. And this pattern is often amplified as a mother.
Why This Pattern Is Amplified in Motherhood
Motherhood often rewards what you’re already good at.
You know how to care for others.
You know how to push through.
You know how to prioritise what needs to be done.
But families don’t just feel what we do — they feel how we’re doing it.
Children respond to our steadiness.
They sense our strain.
They absorb our relationship with our own needs.
A mother who never honours her own limits teaches self-sacrifice as the cost of love — even when she is deeply caring.
A Human Design Perspective (Without the Labels)
Human Design helped me see that none of us are designed to override ourselves indefinitely. We’re emotional beings—especially us Emotional Types by our Human Design—and bottling it up fuels burnout and complete absorption in the fight mentality trap.
We each have natural limits, rhythms, and ways of using energy. When we consistently ignore them — even with good intentions — the body signals that something is out of balance.
Fatigue, tension, and anxiety aren’t personal failures.
They are simply feedback.
One absolutely beautiful thing that I've learned from my teen with autism is that he doesn't suffer from limiting himself, even if it means an overloaded blowout. He's true to who he is and his needs...sure, he can't always express them, but we're all at the point where we can identify where he's at to avoid the blowouts most times.
We could all learn a thing or two from our neurodiverse loved ones.
I've found the biggest difference comes from removing the constant self-criticism, and just listening, feeling and responding to what my body is telling me. Basically, intervening and redirecting, much as we would if we were redirecting our neurodiverse child to avoid blowout.
This can be as simple as just stopping for 5 minutes to sit down quietly and recalibrate.
Why the Fear Becomes Strongest When Life Is Hardest
The fear of abandonment isn’t created in tough seasons.
It’s revealed by them.
When demands increase, the familiar response kicks in:
Care for everyone else first
Delay rest and nourishment
Ignore your own preferences and values
Keep going
But this is exactly when your well-being requires the opposite.
Caring for yourself.
Honouring your needs.
Protecting what matters to you.
Listening to your body instead of overriding it.
Essentially, putting on your oxygen mask before helping others.
That inner conflict between caring for others vs yourself first is what makes the fear feel so present.
Pause & Check In: A Practical Moment
So let's start to practice what we preach and take a moment right here.
Place a hand on your body.
Take one slow breath in and focus on the feeling of the air going in through your nose and throughout your body.
Ask yourself:
What do I need today that I’ve been postponing?
Where am I acting against my own values?
What small act of care would help my body settle?
You don’t need to change everything.
Just one small choice counts towards progress.
The Quiet Pattern Life Reflects Back
When caring for yourself is always postponed, an imbalance eventually shows up.
Energy runs low.
Connection strains.
You begin to feel unseen or unsupported.
Not because anyone has done anything wrong — but because relationships and systems need balance to thrive.
Honouring yourself restores that balance.
The Irony of the Mind and the Universal Laws
Here’s where things get interesting — and ironic.
Your mind whispers:
“If I don’t put everyone else first, everything will fall apart.”
So you do.
You push through, delay your needs, and care for everyone except yourself.
But here’s the twist the mind often misses:
The universe has a way of reflecting what we do to ourselves.
When you consistently abandon your own needs, values, and desires, life mirrors that pattern back to you.
Relationships strain, support feels thin, and exhaustion becomes the backdrop of your daily life.
The mind thinks the fear is about others abandoning you.
The truth — the universal law at work — is that the fear plays out because you’re abandoning yourself.
The real irony:
By trying to prevent loss or failure for others, you create exactly the conditions that make your spirit feel unsupported.
By prioritising everyone else first, you ensure the universe eventually enforces a lesson in self-prioritisation.
This isn’t punishment.
It’s alignment.
The universal laws simply mirror back what your mind and actions have been producing all along.
Healing Comes From Care, Not Coping
Healing this fear isn’t about trying harder.
It’s about taking responsibility for your own care.
Feeding yourself properly.
Resting before exhaustion.
Saying no when something conflicts with your values.
Allowing your needs and desires to matter.
This isn’t selfish.
It’s stabilising — for you and for the people who rely on you.
And most importantly brings a vital lesson for you as you heal.
You were never failing - you were functioning.
As the body learns that your needs will be met — by you — something shifts.
The nervous system softens.
Decisions become clearer.
Relationships feel less strained.
Because safety was never about others staying.
It was about knowing you will care for yourself, honour your values, and meet your needs — even when life is hard.
Going into 2026, I will be focusing on not abandoning my needs on account of others.
I challenge you to join me in ditching the New Years Resolutions, and making the switch from self-abandonment to self-love.
What's your first step towards healing your fears?